Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Obvious Revelations

I was doing some thinking today (I do that a lot). My mind wandered and I questioned why the comics produced by Marvel seem to have a stranglehold on the market. My initial impuse was to attribute it to the fact that the vast majority of the public possesses mental acuity on par with Hal Jordan. Though this is undoubtedly true, I dismissed it out of hand. There must be a deeper meaning.

So I looked inside myself and asked the question: "What would make Spider-Man appealing to me?" I realized that there were two things within that were preventing me from enjoying Spider-Man. These were, of course, my vast intellect and astonishing sexual prowess.

I tried for a moment to imagine that I wasn't the stalwart Master of Magnetism that you see before you. What if I were a simple high school student, bullied by his classmates? What if I were completely and totally romantically inept? Though nigh impossible to concieve, I put my superior imagination to work. What I discovered shocked me. If I were a complete and total loser, I would relate to Spider-Man.

Now some of you out there may be fans of Spider-Man. So I say to you this: suck it up, babies. The good doctor is here to tell you to take two magnetically propelled shards of steel and call him in the morning. I'm not here to hold your hand. I'm here to tell it like it is. And Spider-Man? He needs to stop whining.


At 3:13 PM, Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Urge to kill Doctor Polaris rising. . .

Oh wait, the Human Bomb beat me to it.

Never mind.

I would think your "vast intellect" would approve of a fifteen year old who can create webshooters, and a tracking device that works on the same frequency as his extra-sensory perception.

As for sexual prowess, have you seen the girlfriends Parker has netted? Man is fly.

At 8:11 PM, Blogger Diamondrock said...

Yeah, the Doc can be a bit of a jerk sometimes, can't he?

At 9:52 PM, Blogger CalvinPitt said...

I suppose if I could control magnetism like him, I'd be cocky too. He needed to act like this more in the comics. His resulting popularity would have meant Bizarro got blown up in IC #1 instead.

And really, wouldn't the DC Universe be so much better if that had been the case?

At 11:53 PM, Blogger James Meeley said...


Hey, man. I got you something autographed by Gail Simone, like I promised you i would. Shoot me your shipping address and I'll send it out to you. My email is: azreal501@aol.com

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Helly ya Doc! I totally know what u mean. Marvel has nothing on DC!

At 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's pretty tough talk coming from a guy who almost got Tyler-Durdened to death by an imaginary girl. Wucky Superman was there to save ooms, wittoo baby! Haw Haw Haw!


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