Sunday, December 09, 2007

Fool!

Though I know very little about Marvel's recent Spider-Man event "One More Day" beyond hearsay and conjecture, what I have heard does little to dissuade me from my opinion that Peter Parker is a complete and utter fool.

Allow me to elucidate further for those of you who like to pretend you are Wolverine and as such are unable to grasp the obvious. Let us consider the following:
  • Noted fool Peter Parker has an incredibly hot wife.
  • Noted fool Peter Parker has an elderly, decrepit, drain-on-society of an aunt.
Now imagine that you are Peter Parker. You are told you must choose between a smoking redhead with whom you can have sex or a wretched crone whom you must feed with a spoon. A man of my esteemed brilliance needs no time at all to calculate the variables involved. As such, I take the readhead, "tiger."

But what occurs when this choice is given to foolish Peter Parker? Does he allow an elderly woman -- who I should note has lived a full and productive life -- die? Or does he give up his own personal happiness -- and the happiness of his hot wife -- so that a retired crone can live a few extra years in arthritic agony?

If you have an I. Q. comparable to that of a typical member of the "Avengers" you surely assume he has taken the former. And you would be correct. Which just goes to show you that each "Avenger" -- and every other person in the Marvel Universe -- is a complete idiot.

Now it's not just that foolish Peter Parker is dealing with some sort of vague "pseudo-Satan." I've done that before. The key is to never give away anything you actually want. I myself traded away the soul of someone I didn't care about. So I gained immeasurable power at no cost to myself.

But Peter Parker is -- if the hearsay can be trusted -- trading away something he likes for something that really doesn't do him any good. The elderly are useless. Supermodel wives are not.

Of course, this isn't particularly surprising. After all, this is a man who consistently does incredibly stupid things like reveal his secret identity on national television.

But then, I'm constantly told that Spider-Man is "one of the smartest men in the Marvel U." And if that is so, I weep for the souls of all who dwell therein.

Fools.

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6 Comments:

At 11:40 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Others before you have been asking the same question, my dear Doctor, but they lack your...unique way of phrasing things.


Which leads me to conclude that Peter Parker is INDEED an idiot.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Will said...

Tell 'em, Polaris.

 
At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am kind of hoping something crazy will happen and Mary Jane and May will die right as Parker makes his decision.

While I do understand that a hero has to suffer in Marvel to be a hero, Parker seems even more so.

And oh yeah? Why'd you trade away Emerson's soul again? Cuban cigars?

 
At 2:09 AM, Blogger Doctor Polaris said...

The Joker traded his for Cubans. I got wine. And immeasurable power.

 
At 7:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, the Smartest guy in that universe made some basic mistakes in spaceship sheilding, and he beats up SPACE GODS using his mind. We all have our little blind spots. (not that, at this point, I am implying any flaws with YOUR intellect)

 
At 2:16 AM, Blogger Doctor Polaris said...

"not that, at this point, I am implying any flaws with YOUR intellect."

See that you don't. I paid for those immeasurable magentic powers and I'm not afraid to use them.

 

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