Fool!

Though I know very little about Marvel's recent Spider-Man event "One More Day" beyond hearsay and conjecture, what I have heard does little to dissuade me from my opinion that Peter Parker is a complete and utter fool.

Allow me to elucidate further for those of you who like to pretend you are Wolverine and as such are unable to grasp the obvious. Let us consider the following:

• Noted fool Peter Parker has an incredibly hot wife.
• Noted fool Peter Parker has an elderly, decrepit, drain-on-society of an aunt.

Now imagine that you are Peter Parker. You are told you must choose between a smoking redhead with whom you can have sex or a wretched crone whom you must feed with a spoon. A man of my esteemed brilliance needs no time at all to calculate the variables involved. As such, I take the readhead, "tiger."

But what occurs when this choice is given to foolish Peter Parker? Does he allow an elderly woman -- who I should note has lived a full and productive life -- die? Or does he give up his own personal happiness -- and the happiness of his hot wife -- so that a retired crone can live a few extra years in arthritic agony?

If you have an I. Q. comparable to that of a typical member of the "Avengers" you surely assume he has taken the former. And you would be correct. Which just goes to show you that each "Avenger" -- and every other person in the Marvel Universe -- is a complete idiot.

Now it's not just that foolish Peter Parker is dealing with some sort of vague "pseudo-Satan." I've done that before. The key is to never give away anything you actually want. I myself traded away the soul of someone I didn't care about. So I gained immeasurable power at no cost to myself.

But Peter Parker is -- if the hearsay can be trusted -- trading away something he likes for something that really doesn't do him any good. The elderly are useless. Supermodel wives are not.

Of course, this isn't particularly surprising. After all, this is a man who consistently does incredibly stupid things like reveal his secret identity on national television.

But then, I'm constantly told that Spider-Man is "one of the smartest men in the Marvel U." And if that is so, I weep for the souls of all who dwell therein.

Fools.