Turn Off the Dark

I do so enjoy the theater, and I've found the Spider-Man Musical to be utterly delightful.

Now, do not take that the wrong way. I have neither attended nor do I intend to attend a performance of the Spider-Man Musical. No, the theater of which I speak is the theater of the plummeting disaster that is multi-million dollar excuse for art.

It should come as no surprise that I often take delight in the suffering of others. After all, before my semi-forced retirement I was an active super-villain. Super-villainy is not something you simply give up. It stays with you, like being a doctor. Which I also am.

But I digress. I have eagerly watched as the house of cards that is "Turn Off the Dark" collapsed in the stiff breeze that is reality. There is no greater pleasure for one such as myself than watching the work of conceited directors and self-important rock stars fail -- and fail spectacularly.

There is also the additional joy that is the Marvel connection. I have always despised Marvel and its pathetic attempts at villainy. There is little to be impressed with there; Marvel's villains don't seem particularly bright. I have often wondered why those excuses for "super-villains" do not simply move. After all, nearly every single one of Marvel's "heroes" are in New York).

Again I find myself drifting off-topic. My point is this: I do not like Spider-Man and am glad to see him fail. And not in a "hero" versus "villain" kind of way. Spider-Man is beneath my notice. He would not make a worthy adversary, even compared to Hal Jordan. I am simply pleased by the sheer entertainment value of seeing people I hate suffer thanks to their own hubris. Truly, are there any finer things in life?

Always the Smartest Man Around

I noticed something today when I was picking up my comics at the local shop. Take note of this Spider-Man cover:

Now, here's what I noticed. Whenever clueless idiot Peter Parker has the opportunity to kiss someone (which, by all rights should be never) he's got to take his mask off at least part of the way. That seems odd, considering how often I have people tell me that Peter Parker is "really smart."

You'd think a guy would plan for that occurrence. But no, Peter Parker constantly has to be pulling up his mask for smooching. You know who doesn't have this problem? This guy:

Batman, as we know, is ready for anything.

Hypocrites!

Some of the people at Marvel -- guys like Joe Quesada -- like to talk big. They love to go on and on about how much better they are compared to DC. They like to talk things like "Marvel is more realistic." They'll often cite things like Marvel comics taking place in "real" cities and how the president in the Marvel U is always the "real" president as opposed to whatever pitiful fake president they think DC is using.

Here today I call them hypocrites. They don't get to claim that their comic universe is more realistic and a reflection of the real world when they make J. Jonah Jameson mayor of New York. That would be the height of hypocrisy.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that this move is a bad idea. I'm sure that it will open up many interesting story possibilities. In much the same way that a fictional president might. Or a fictional city for a hero to call their own. But you are not allowed to bash your competition for such things and then turn around and do it yourself.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to pick one or the other. Either you're the "realistic counterpoint to your fantasy rivals" or you're "just as fantasy as your fantasy rivals."

Not that it really matters to me. I'm sticking with the non-watered down original version full of capes and fictionopolises anyway...

I Still Hate Spider-Man

This won't win me any fans, but I've got to say that I still can't stand Spider-Man. I mean, look at this guy:

Look at that. I mean look at it. Can you honestly say that when you see a face like that you don't want to put your fist into it?

I see the face of Peter Parker and I want to kick him in the shins. It rubs me the wrong way, every time I see it. And it's not just that, either. It's everything about the character. I just can't stand Spider-Man. I loathe him with an intensity far beyond the rational.

I'm going to go throw up now.

Guess Who I Can't Stand?

Everybody is talking about that Spider-Man story "One More Day." I've heard a bit about it and I've read a bit about it and I've even seen a little bit of it. And though I don't usually talk about such things here, who am I to pass up an opportunity to heap well-deserved scorn upon Marvel?

So here goes: Peter Parker is a selfish jerk. As far as I can tell everything he does in "One More Day" is about him. So Aunt May is dying. Yes, I understand that. But why does Peter want to save her life? Not because of her. It's because of Peter Parker. Peter Parker is unwilling to live without her. He doesn't really think about what she would want.

Think about it... He's standing there, talking to the freakin' devil. If the devil exists, then logically God does as well. I don't know if Aunt May or Peter Parker are particularly religious people. But I'd imagine that Aunt May might be a lot happier up in Heaven with the one guy in comics who hasn't come back from the dead. Just a thought.

But here's the other thing. Someone said to me that Peter Parker's life was pretty crappy. Uh, no. Now he's got his Aunt back, a couple of blonde hotties (presumably) vying for his affections, his best friend's alive, his secret identity is secret, and he doesn't even remember what happened.

So who's getting the shaft here? It's not Spider-Man. Things seem pretty good for him. Then who? That's right, It's Mary Jane. I don't know what's happened to poor Mary Jane, but like the man says... She's getting screwed. She's the one who's lost everything. Spider-Man hasn't made any real sacrifices.

He should be ashamed of himself.

Fool!

Though I know very little about Marvel's recent Spider-Man event "One More Day" beyond hearsay and conjecture, what I have heard does little to dissuade me from my opinion that Peter Parker is a complete and utter fool.

Allow me to elucidate further for those of you who like to pretend you are Wolverine and as such are unable to grasp the obvious. Let us consider the following:

• Noted fool Peter Parker has an incredibly hot wife.
• Noted fool Peter Parker has an elderly, decrepit, drain-on-society of an aunt.

Now imagine that you are Peter Parker. You are told you must choose between a smoking redhead with whom you can have sex or a wretched crone whom you must feed with a spoon. A man of my esteemed brilliance needs no time at all to calculate the variables involved. As such, I take the readhead, "tiger."

But what occurs when this choice is given to foolish Peter Parker? Does he allow an elderly woman -- who I should note has lived a full and productive life -- die? Or does he give up his own personal happiness -- and the happiness of his hot wife -- so that a retired crone can live a few extra years in arthritic agony?

If you have an I. Q. comparable to that of a typical member of the "Avengers" you surely assume he has taken the former. And you would be correct. Which just goes to show you that each "Avenger" -- and every other person in the Marvel Universe -- is a complete idiot.

Now it's not just that foolish Peter Parker is dealing with some sort of vague "pseudo-Satan." I've done that before. The key is to never give away anything you actually want. I myself traded away the soul of someone I didn't care about. So I gained immeasurable power at no cost to myself.

But Peter Parker is -- if the hearsay can be trusted -- trading away something he likes for something that really doesn't do him any good. The elderly are useless. Supermodel wives are not.

Of course, this isn't particularly surprising. After all, this is a man who consistently does incredibly stupid things like reveal his secret identity on national television.

But then, I'm constantly told that Spider-Man is "one of the smartest men in the Marvel U." And if that is so, I weep for the souls of all who dwell therein.

Fools.

An Honest Review of a Fool's Errand

At the insistence of a certain "lady friend," I went out this evening for a night at the theater. As is customary, I allowed her to choose the entertainment for the evening.

Her choice was both ill-advised and ignorant. For the both of us were subjected to the horror that is Spider-Man 3. For those with weak or feeble minds, I warn you: I will be engaging in that which might constitute spoiling!

As one who knows a thing or two about physics, I must say that their depiction of particle physics was both ignorant and laughable. Important research at night? Fools! The night is for either sleeping or wreaking terrible vengeance. Both are acceptable.

Though I must say I did enjoy the scene where the walking plot-point mercilessly pummeled the fool Spider-Man. I laughed uproariously. I am certain that if I had not driven all the other patrons from the theater before the previews (I like the middle of the theater, and will brook no head blocking my view) I would surely have disturbed them. Though that would have been just as amusing.

In conclusion, I am pleased that I threatened the management of the theater with a fist of steel. I cannot imagine how I would have felt to have spent valuable stolen loot on tickets to a film that puts film to shame.