Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Though I check my email obsessively, I do not often receive letters of note. More often than not, I merely receive unsolicited offers to supply me with dubious medication that I have absolutely no need of.

However, as I checked my email recently I was stunned -- stunned -- to see a familiar name in my inbox: Neal Emerson. As you know, that is the name of my sniveling alter ego. The mail contained (no subject) and read thusly:

hello imposter

As you can imagine I was filled with violent rage -- and quiet bemusement. After all, no one could be foolish enough to truly believe that such a simple message would cause me fear or trepidation. There is no doubt that I am the one true Doctor Polaris. Any fool could see that from a cursory evaluation of this email. Let us examine it, shall we?

To begin, the author is either uneducated or far too enamored with current Internet "standards" of discourse. I see that his statement (which can barely be classified as such) lacks both capitalization and punctuation. As you well know, I have several degrees from top universities. I would not make the mistake of forgetting capitals and periods!

Additionally, the author of this scandalous letter has spelled impostor "imposter." This in and of itself proves him to be an impostor. For you see, the spelling of the word employed by this impostor is not standard American spelling. Rather, it is a variant mildly preferred in the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand, and certain parts of Canada.

As you well know, I am from California -- one of our glorious United States of America. We do not spell impostor with an "E." We're simply better than that.

Finally, let this be known: this impostor's letter features only two poorly chosen words. I am renowned as many things, but succinct is not one of them. Were I to angrily denounce a doppelganger I would do so with a great many correctly punctuated words.

With this, I believe that we can lay to rest the question of who is the true Doctor Polaris. Though I know that you, my loyal readers, never for a moment questioned it. I invite any and all of you to email this fool -- "docpolaris at gmail dot com" -- and demand that he apologize to the one true Doctor Polaris!



At 9:48 AM, Blogger SallyP said...


The nerve of this is stunning. It would of course, be helpful to have a picture of this fellow. If he doesn't have your waving brown locks, then it just PROVES he is a sham.

At 5:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Indeed, quite, and all that jazz, oh you helmet-headed pal-o-mine.

We in the biz cannot take such effrontery lying down, or sitting down - even if it is on a simply exquisite antique Chippendale chair with that wonderful Gothic tracery I love so. I recently came into possession of such a chair... the chair of my dreams (or hallutionations, as the case may be). Alright, I stole it, and in the process I killed some fat git with the worst toupee I've ever seen in my life (and I've seen Lexy's walk-in-closet). But I ask you, is that any excuse for a certain caped individual - who shall remain nameless lest my blood boil over with rage - to break into my humble abode wile I was enjoying my recently pilfered Singin' in the Rain DVD, and kick the proverbial tar out of me? Why does he hate me so? Is it the hair? Well boo-sucks to him, I happen to like my hair exactly the way it is, and nertz to anyone or anything who disagrees.

Sorry, that kind of got away from me. What were we taking about? Ah yes...

I say kill the vile, cretinous Philistine. However, make sure to torture the pathetic little man first. There's no point in letting him get off easy. I suggest ripping out his spine and beating him with it. I'm not entirely sure if such an act is possible, but won't you have fun-fun-fun trying it out? Hmmm?


At 10:21 PM, Blogger Scipio said...

"Were I to angrily denounce a doppelganger I would do so with a great many correctly punctuated words."

That's my new favorite sentence.

At 7:32 AM, Blogger Doctor Polaris said...

Sally: Thank you.

"J": Indeed.

Scipio: This pleases me.


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