On the Trail

Greeting loyal readers. It is I, Doctor Polaris -- your next president. I have been busy these past few weeks spending time in the states of Iowa and New Hampshire.

Oh, how I despise them. I am sickened that so much of our nation's future rests upon these pathetic enclaves. They are so damn cold. I am originally from Southern California! Where the weather is glorious much of the year! The ice and snow those two states is an affront to my sensibilities.

And so, I make the following declaration: should I be elected president I will do everything in my power to accelerat the process of global warming. And don't give me any of that "global warming doesn't exist" crap. I'm a scientist. Global warming is real. An I promise to use it to make places like Iowa and New Hampsire actually livable.

Of course, there is one man who will stand in my way -- should my opportunity come to pass. His powers are formidible, but I do not fear him. He will not prevent me from warming the earth and boiling the seas to create year round warmth for all the people of America.

I do not fear you, Al Gore! So swears Polaris!