Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I Hate Wolverine

Welcome to the second installment of the column where I fling well deserved bile at the characters of the Marvel Universe. Today? Everybody's favorite mutant: Wolverine.

The question is: why? Why is he so popular? After all, it would take me mere seconds to seperate his skeleton from his body (much less time than it took that dimwitted Magneto to think of it).

So he's short and hairy and Canadian. All strikes against him in my book. And yet he maintains his illogical popularity. And that, my friends, is why he is deserving of scorn.

Look at me: I have never been the most "popular" character in the DC Universe. And yet my good looks and charm set me leaps and bounds ahead of all the other villains (with the possible exception of Black Adam). You see, Wolverine's popularity is because he lacks manners and good grooming.

As with Spider-Man, the pathetics are projecting themselves into the character. "I don't need to shave or wash my hair," they must be saying. "After all, Wolverine doesn't." That's because Wolverine is a disgusting troll, you nitwits.

We see this additionally in the shoehoring of Japan into Wolverine's character. For some inexplicable reason this "Canadian" has strong connections to "Japan." Why? It's because the loser "otaku" think Japan is "cool" (a caveat: I am in no way desparaging my gracious host who has made Japan his focus of legitimate scholarship).

Once again, A Marvel character's true reason for popularity is unmasked: loser geeks who want to be cooler than they are. Doctor Polaris has spoken; he is never wrong.



At 10:53 AM, Blogger CalvinPitt said...

So that's why it is!

I always thought it was because disembowling people with foot-long claws was more visually impressive than crushing them inside a ball of metal.

Learn something everyday.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger Scipio said...

" A Marvel character's true reason for popularity is unmasked: loser geeks who want to be cooler than they are."

I concur completely with your diagnosis, Doctor. But it's sad that it takes a magnetically maddened genius to point out that the emperor has no clothes!

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Doctor Polaris said...

Thank you, sir.

And hmm.... "Magnetically Maddened Genius"... I like that. A lot. I'm going to have to add it to my list of titles.

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