Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Another Off-Topic Post

Sorry, but I just have to do these posts sometimes. I promise that somebody will post about comics tomorrow. But yesterday I mentioned my little Presidential Battle Royale idea and asked for who everybody thought would win in a no rules fight to the death of American Presidents.

So, I'm going to give you my top five. From five up to one, these are the presidents who would survive until the end. But only number one will remain standing.

#5 - Dwight D. Eisenhower: If you can stare down Hitler (figuratively) then you can definitely stare down Chester A. Arthur (literally). Eisenhower was a military man. He'd know what to do and he'd be able to take down almost any comers. But there were even greater generals to serve as president. So Eisenhower only makes number five.

#4 - Ullyses S. Grant: Grant wasn't a great president (and some would say he wasn't even a good president). But he was a fantastic general. The man saved the Union and is one my personal heroes. Don't let 'em tell you Lee was a better general; Grant won the Civil War. And he'd put up a hell of a fight in the Battle Royale. But without the necessary fuel -- by which I mean whiskey -- he'd only make number four.

#3 - Abraham Lincoln: America's greatest president and Grant's boss, Lincoln was also the Illinois state wrestling champion. He was once challenged to a duel, and Lincoln picked cavalry broadswords as the weapon. His opponent decline to go through with it. Like Nick said yesterday, Lincoln's got the reach and was strong as hell. He'd make it to number three.

#2 - Theodore Roosevelt: Frontiersman. Hunter. Soldier. Boxer. Theodore Roosevelt was all these and many, many more. There aren't many men on this planet who could stand up to Teddy Roosevelt. He was one of our greatest presidents. And one of the greatest men to ever serve in that position. But sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you have to be mean. So Teddy only takes number two.

#1 - Andrew Fucking Jackson: Everybody forgets about Andrew Jackson. Seventh President. "Old Hickory." Did you know that Jackson fought thirteen duels? Did you know that in one, he let the other guy shoot him first, and while bleeding from the chest shot him back and killed him? Did you know that Jackson survived an assassination attempt... And then beat the assassin to within an inch of his life with a cane himself? Did you know that Andrew Jackson once invaded Florida because he felt like it?

You do not fuck with Andrew Jackson.

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5 Comments:

At 8:52 AM, Blogger SallyP said...

Ah, Old Hickory himself. He married his wife before her divorce came through, which was a little iffy. He fought and won the Battle of New Orleans, too bad it was fought a couple of weeks AFTER the British had thrown in the towel. He was also the one responsible for the expulsion of the Cherokee from their lands,and the subsequent Trail of Tears. At his inaugeration, he let half of the populace come trooping through the White House, and they damn near destroyed the place.

So yeah...he's mean enough.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger Mithel said...

Andrew Jackson, hell yeah, motherfucker!

 
At 12:57 AM, Blogger GL2814E said...

Andrew Jackson, outta racial principle I can't agree. Old grudges...

But otherwise good list.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Diamondrock said...

Hey, I don't like the man either. I certainly would rather he *not* win. Hopefully Theodore Roosevelt can beat him down and stop him from triumphing. Teddy is our only hope...

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Sea_of_Green said...

Mortal Kombat vs. American Presidents! :-D

 

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