Life Imitates

So you may or may not be aware that there has been some "news" in the "real" world. There was an election and then an inauguration and then as I understand it change!

One bit of change is that the Guantanamo Bay detention center in Cuba is being closed. As all things do, this has proceeded to cause some people to "freak out." Among them is House Minority Leader John Boehner. Boehner's brilliant idea is thus: send them to Alcatraz.

Number one: what's Boehner been smoking? Alcatraz has practically been a national monument ever since Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery saved San Francisco from disaster. And secondly: stop stealing ideas from comics!

As you all well know, Alcatraz in the DCU was not long ago converted into a supermax prison for the express purpose of housing super-villains. Which also begs the question of whether or not Boehner thinks Khalid Sheik Mohammed possesses some sort of amazing super-power.

Still, it doesn't really fly. I mean, we've safely contained Charles Manson in a regular prison for quite awhile. And he's got those Doctor Psycho mind-control powers going on...

The Power of Change

Greetings once again, loyal readers. If you are like many you have spent the day celebrating the inauguration of the new President. That is well and good. But why does President Obama deserve such adulation?

Indeed, he has inspired millions and brought renewed hope to the world. But have I not done the same? So many have read my books and bought my CDs and understood the power of magnetism! Am I not deserving of a piece of multi-hued street art to celebrate my greatness?

I am.

The Governor is a Super-Villain

Like nearly thirteen million Americans, I live in Illinois. We the people of the state of Illinois are under siege. We are in the grip of a madman who can only be described as a crazed super-villain. I speak of course of Milorad Blagojevich!

With every passing day Blago reaches new heights of comic book super-villainy. He's like something out of the Golden Age. He defiantly declares that no one can defeat him. He claims schemes are really for the public good. He hides behind innocent civilians who have been mesmerized by his powers. And he keeps running his mouth and quoting British poets.

Like most super-villains Blago started small. He blackmails a major metropolitan newspaper. He holds a children's hospital hostage. Then he moves on to bigger things like scheming to sell a senate seat on his way to the presidency. Like a Golden Age bad guy he delights in his villainy and takes every opportunity to flaunt it in public. And like all super-villains he seems impossible to stop.

Illinois is under siege. We the people cannot last much longer beneath the yoke of this 1940's-style mastermind. We need help. We need a hero.

Save us, Superman!

Another Off-Topic Post

Sorry, but I just have to do these posts sometimes. I promise that somebody will post about comics tomorrow. But yesterday I mentioned my little Presidential Battle Royale idea and asked for who everybody thought would win in a no rules fight to the death of American Presidents.

So, I'm going to give you my top five. From five up to one, these are the presidents who would survive until the end. But only number one will remain standing.

#5 - Dwight D. Eisenhower: If you can stare down Hitler (figuratively) then you can definitely stare down Chester A. Arthur (literally). Eisenhower was a military man. He'd know what to do and he'd be able to take down almost any comers. But there were even greater generals to serve as president. So Eisenhower only makes number five.

#4 - Ullyses S. Grant: Grant wasn't a great president (and some would say he wasn't even a good president). But he was a fantastic general. The man saved the Union and is one my personal heroes. Don't let 'em tell you Lee was a better general; Grant won the Civil War. And he'd put up a hell of a fight in the Battle Royale. But without the necessary fuel -- by which I mean whiskey -- he'd only make number four.

#3 - Abraham Lincoln: America's greatest president and Grant's boss, Lincoln was also the Illinois state wrestling champion. He was once challenged to a duel, and Lincoln picked cavalry broadswords as the weapon. His opponent decline to go through with it. Like Nick said yesterday, Lincoln's got the reach and was strong as hell. He'd make it to number three.

#2 - Theodore Roosevelt: Frontiersman. Hunter. Soldier. Boxer. Theodore Roosevelt was all these and many, many more. There aren't many men on this planet who could stand up to Teddy Roosevelt. He was one of our greatest presidents. And one of the greatest men to ever serve in that position. But sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you have to be mean. So Teddy only takes number two.

#1 - Andrew Fucking Jackson: Everybody forgets about Andrew Jackson. Seventh President. "Old Hickory." Did you know that Jackson fought thirteen duels? Did you know that in one, he let the other guy shoot him first, and while bleeding from the chest shot him back and killed him? Did you know that Jackson survived an assassination attempt... And then beat the assassin to within an inch of his life with a cane himself? Did you know that Andrew Jackson once invaded Florida because he felt like it?

You do not fuck with Andrew Jackson.

Non-Comic Post

Whew, what a long weekend. I spent much of it working on my graduate school applications. There's no way I'm going into the real workforce, thank-you-very-much. I'm just not wired that way.

And to prove it, there's a question that's bugged me forever. My friend and I tried to come up with an answer once, but we're still just not sure how it would turn out. So I'd like you to tell me what you think.

If every U. S. president (George Washington to George W. Bush) were suddenly plucked out of time, dropped onto a hellish island, and forced to fight each other Battle Royale style for survival, who would win?

I've think I've got my answer. How about you?

Short Interlude

I think that tonight everyone can agree that something historic happened in the United States of America. Whether you are Republican or Democrat, Marvel or DC, Batman or Superman. You can't deny that something unprecedented has occurred. So I think that for tonight we should all take a moment and reflect on the meaning of democracy and liberty.

Lord knows my country isn't perfect. But I think tonight we did something right.