Stupid Kryptonians

You stupid, stupid Kryptonians. You just don't understand, do you? You think locking up Bizarro, Silver Banshee, Parasite, and the rest will make things easier for you? You think it'll mean you jerks can just waltz across the earth without a care in the world?

You're idiots. You're arrogant and smug. You think because you had this great society and you have these super-powers that you're something special. That you're far above we mere humans. But I've got news for you all. When you locked up all of Superman's foes in the Phantom Zone you forgot someone:

Lex Luthor.

I don't know why you overlooked him. Maybe you couldn't find him. Maybe you think a bald scientist is less of a threat than the Prankster. Perhaps you thought the intellect of a human being could never compare to that lauded Kryptonian science.

Stupid, stupid.

There's a reason why he's Superman's greatest enemy. And you, my Kryptonian friends, are not on Superman's level. Luthor will destroy you. You should leave. You should run away. You should get off this planet before it's too late. Because Superman can handle Luthor. But y'all ain't no Superman.

He's going to kill you. He's going to kill you all if you don't get away. You can stop Doomsday. But you can't stop Lex Luthor.

Thursday Night Thinking LXXIV

Today is the fourth Thursday in November. That means... Thursday Night Thinking! Also, Thanksgiving in the United States. (Thinksgiving?)

Today I'm thankful for Silver Age team-ups featuring super-powered strongmen different dimensions. I'm also thankful for guys with skulls for faces...

Ideas

It's funny how comic fans (such as myself) will have ideas about what they'd do if they were in charge of comics. I've always had the idea that if I were in charge of Superman, I'd do a big story where he disappeared for a year or so and didn't show up in his own books during that time. The two main titles would still be there, but Superman would temporarily become Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen and Action would temporarily become Action Comics Feature Lois Lane.

They'd have their stories and adventures while trying to find out exactly what happened to Superman. Where did he go? What's the deal? But more than anything they'd be an excuse to do wacky stories like the old days -- but with a modern twist.

What's also funny is how if you wait long enough, the guys at the company will end up doing your idea. If I'm reading the DiDio interview correctly, they basically are taking Superman out of his books for a while and focusing on some other characters. And if James Robinson is doing Superman, we'll be seeing Jimmy Olsen. I'm pretty excited.

And I'm glad it's not me writing it...

Another Off-Topic Post

Sorry, but I just have to do these posts sometimes. I promise that somebody will post about comics tomorrow. But yesterday I mentioned my little Presidential Battle Royale idea and asked for who everybody thought would win in a no rules fight to the death of American Presidents.

So, I'm going to give you my top five. From five up to one, these are the presidents who would survive until the end. But only number one will remain standing.

#5 - Dwight D. Eisenhower: If you can stare down Hitler (figuratively) then you can definitely stare down Chester A. Arthur (literally). Eisenhower was a military man. He'd know what to do and he'd be able to take down almost any comers. But there were even greater generals to serve as president. So Eisenhower only makes number five.

#4 - Ullyses S. Grant: Grant wasn't a great president (and some would say he wasn't even a good president). But he was a fantastic general. The man saved the Union and is one my personal heroes. Don't let 'em tell you Lee was a better general; Grant won the Civil War. And he'd put up a hell of a fight in the Battle Royale. But without the necessary fuel -- by which I mean whiskey -- he'd only make number four.

#3 - Abraham Lincoln: America's greatest president and Grant's boss, Lincoln was also the Illinois state wrestling champion. He was once challenged to a duel, and Lincoln picked cavalry broadswords as the weapon. His opponent decline to go through with it. Like Nick said yesterday, Lincoln's got the reach and was strong as hell. He'd make it to number three.

#2 - Theodore Roosevelt: Frontiersman. Hunter. Soldier. Boxer. Theodore Roosevelt was all these and many, many more. There aren't many men on this planet who could stand up to Teddy Roosevelt. He was one of our greatest presidents. And one of the greatest men to ever serve in that position. But sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you have to be mean. So Teddy only takes number two.

#1 - Andrew Fucking Jackson: Everybody forgets about Andrew Jackson. Seventh President. "Old Hickory." Did you know that Jackson fought thirteen duels? Did you know that in one, he let the other guy shoot him first, and while bleeding from the chest shot him back and killed him? Did you know that Jackson survived an assassination attempt... And then beat the assassin to within an inch of his life with a cane himself? Did you know that Andrew Jackson once invaded Florida because he felt like it?

You do not fuck with Andrew Jackson.

Non-Comic Post

Whew, what a long weekend. I spent much of it working on my graduate school applications. There's no way I'm going into the real workforce, thank-you-very-much. I'm just not wired that way.

And to prove it, there's a question that's bugged me forever. My friend and I tried to come up with an answer once, but we're still just not sure how it would turn out. So I'd like you to tell me what you think.

If every U. S. president (George Washington to George W. Bush) were suddenly plucked out of time, dropped onto a hellish island, and forced to fight each other Battle Royale style for survival, who would win?

I've think I've got my answer. How about you?

Schadenfreude

Know that I was recently informed that Robin, Nightwing, and Oracle all had their long-running series canceled. I know schadenfreude isn't very Christian, but... Well...

How does it feel, guys? Everyone makes fun of poor, pathetic, mentally disturbed Azrael because his series only made it to one hundred issues. But who's laughing now? At least my comic ended on a round number. No "# 153 FINAL ISSUE" or "#183 FINAL ISSUE" for me. Nope, I ended on a good solid round number.

Is this what it feels like when the people in high school who picked on you get their comeuppance? Being in You-Know-Who's little "family" was just like being in high school. While Cassandra and I were forced to sit at the "loser" table at lunch, Dick, Tim, and Babs all got to sit at the "cool" table. And they sucked up to the teacher, too.

But now how do you feel? Now that you don't have teacher around to defend you, your titles are getting the axe. Since the boss man is "R. I. P." you've got to fend for yourself. Join the club, guys. Maybe you'll be lucky and get a mini-series or a spot on Rip Hunter's chalkboard. Ha!

Wow, I feel really mean right now... Is this what it's like to be a super-villain?

Thursday Night Thinking LXXIII

Whew, it's been one long day. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. Why, there's barely time for Thursday Night Thinking!

And yet somehow I find the time. How do I do it?

Supergirl #35

No real post tonight. I went to see my sister's play (she does the drama thing, as I once did) this evening and just got home. So I'm a little tired.

But I did get a quick chance to peruse some of this week's comics. And I just want to say this:

I think this Supergirl now officially has a more convoluted origin than the Peter David Linda Danvers Supergirl. Well done, DC. Somehow you have accomplished the impossible.

February Solicitations

Oh yes indeed... It's that time of the month. Time for the new solicitations! Honestly, is there anything comic fans like more than being teasted by solicitations. Let's see what's up this time:

THE OUTSIDERS #15
Written by Peter J. Tomasi
Art and cover by Lee Garbett & Trevor Scott
Featuring an “Origins and Omens” backup story! Continuing where the epic BATMAN AND THE OUTSIDERS SPECIAL #1 left off, the mystery of who and what “The Insiders” are opens into a labyrinth of dread and deceit as The Outsiders, in their newest incarnation, follow Batman's final directives into a heart of darkness. If you’ve waited to pick up this title, jump on now for this exciting new era!
On sale February 18 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Hmm... The Outsiders seem to get retooled every few months. This time, of course, they're dealing with the apparent loss of Batman. Hence the lack of "Batman and..." Looks like we've got a pretty standard line-up there. Black Lightning, Geo-Force, Metamorpho. Katana in another new costume. And is that the Creeper? Crazy. But wait, who..? Is that Owlman? What the hell is going on?

ADVENTURE COMICS #0
Written by Otto Binder
Art by Al Plastino
Cover by Aaron Lopresti
One of the cornerstone stories of the DCU is reprinted in this special issue priced at just $1.00 featuring an important “Origins and Omens” backup tale! To celebrate the upcoming ADVENTURE COMICS #1, we’re reprinting a Silver Age classic from the title’s prior volume — ADVENTURE COMICS #247, the first appearance of the Legion of Super-Heroes! Witness Superboy’s first encounter with three super-powered teens from the 30th Century – Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl! Featuring a new cover by Aaron Lopresti that’s an homage to the original!
On sale February 4 • 32 pg, FC, $1.00 US

All that for a dollar? I'm sold. And hey, it looks like DC can use the name "Superboy" again. Maybe my guesses about Action are right after all...

TITANS #10
Written by Judd Winick
Art and cover by Howard Porter
Featuring an “Origins and Omens” backup story! It’s Titans vs. the JLA! In the aftermath of DCU: DECISIONS #4, the JLA wants Jericho, but the Titans don't give up on one of their own. In the end, though, it looks like they’ll lose another member!
On sale February 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Hey look, it's yet another cover showing the Titans fighting with the JLA. Haven't we seen that before? About a thousand times? Are there any new stories to be told with those characters? At least we've got:

TEEN TITANS #68
Written by Sean McKeever
Art and cover by Eddy Barrows and Ruy Jose
Kid Eternity is back in this issue featuring an “Origins and Omens” backup tale! But is he here to stay? In part 3 of "The New Teen Titans," learn how the Kid's struggle with the Lords of Chaos and Order has progressed, why his abilities are on the fritz and how his arrival creates major problems for his teammates!
On sale February 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Say what you will, but McKeever's not rehashing old Titans stories again and again the way Winick seems to be. A lot of people have expressed dismay at the recent direction of Teen Titans. I'm freakin' loving it.

And now, let us bid farewell to

BIRDS OF PREY
BLUE BEETLE
NIGHTWING
ROBIN

Some of them may be returning. But Blue Beetle won't. It will be missed.

One of My Weirdest Posts

Okay, I'm going to express an opinion here that could very easily be misconstrued. I really hope nobody does. Listen to everything I say before you start lighting torches. All right, here goes:

I liked naked Cheetah better.

Okay, bear with me. This isn't because I like to look at pictures of naked cat-ladies (though that may be true). No, it's because Cheetah's current outfit has really brought down her "menace level."

Allow me to explain my reasoning. Cheetah is one of Wonder Woman's better villains. But that's not just because of how powerful she is. A lot of it has to do with what she represents. Cheetah is a character who has sacrificed her humanity for power. She has become animalistic. Bestial. She is less a person and more a blood-thirsty predator.

I don't have to tell you that blood-thirsty predators don't wear belly shirts. In my eyes the costume just makes her look silly. Cheetah is supposed to be a villain driven by instinct and blood lust. But when she's wearing that outfit she looks like someone in a Halloween costume.

Cheetah needs to seem like a dangerous, uncontrollable animal. That's what makes her a menacing villain. Animals, of course, don't wear clothes. So Cheetah should be naked.

Apologies

Though I do not usually tender "apologies," I feel that at this moment it is warranted. You see, I believe that I -- Doctor Polaris -- am indirectly responsible for the cancellation of Blue Beetle.

All of you, my loyal readers, are well aware of the anticipation engendered by covers indicating that Doctor Polaris would be featured as a major villain in the series. I have no doubt that rumors of my appearance are the "firmer ground" and "positive response" that Dan DiDio spoke of in his recent interview.

And so, new readers flocked to the book, eager to witness my triumphant return to comics. But then these patriotic men and women were struck with the horrible truth: it was not Polaris they found within the pages of the book, but rather an M. B. A.!

Disgusted that the great Doctor Polaris would be replaced with a pathetic business major, the masses revolted, canceling their subscriptions to Blue Beetle and dooming the book to cancellation.

My apologies to Blue Beetle fans for being such a charismatic, unstoppable force. I cannot change who I am.

Thursday Night Thinking LXXII

Ha HA! You came here for Thursday Night Thinking, didn't you? Won't you be surprised when you discover...

Thursday Night Thinking!

Had you going there for a second, didn't I?

Action #871

Okay, two questions about this week's Action:

1. The last page: completely transparent fakeout or exactly what it looks like?

and

2. Why doesn't the Fortress of Solitude have doors?

What Ever Happened To...

I was rereading my Doctor Mid-Nite trade paperback today (something I do often that you should do as well). And I got to wondering: what the hell happened to Camilla Marlowe?

If you've read Wagner and Snyder's masterful reinterpretation of Doctor Mid-Nite -- the version that to this day stalks comics from JSA to Blue Beetle -- then you know who I'm talking about.

Camilla Marlowe was Pieter Cross's "sort of" sidekick and confidant who also might have been his love interest. They initially met when they were both buying drugs from a street dealer (if you don't know what I'm talking about, read the trade!)

Anyway, Camilla can't go out in the daytime -- she's got a skin condition that makes the sun burn her. Despite this setback (because of it?) she is incomparably awesome. She's smart, sexy, and ass-kicking when the situation calls for it. She's also inexplicably intertwined with Doctor Mid-Nite and his origin.

But after the last page closes on the Doctor Mid-Nite miniseries, we don't see Camilla again. We see lots of Doctor M. But absolutely nothing of Camilla Marlowe. I do not know why this should be. But it's always pissed me off.

You can't do Superman without Lois Lane. And you really can't do Doctor Mid-Nite without Camilla Marlowe. I'm not asking for her to get a solo series. She doesn't even need get face time. But she needs to be mentioned. Pieter Cross was devoted to his city. He was devoted to Camilla. But we never see or hear much of either of them.

I understand that he mostly shows up in ensemble casts. But there is so much more to Doctor Mid-Nite than him being the "go to" guy when a super-hero gets hurt. It doesn't do the character justice.

Bring back Camilla!

Luthorian Evolution

It's funny how one's opinions and viewpoint evolve. I grew up on the late-nineties/early-00's iteration of Lex Luthor: that of untouchable businessman. Not only was it the version of Luthor seen in the comics, but it was the one I knew from all the other media as well. Smallville had a young, but still recognizable evil business magnate vibe. Superman: The Animated Series was exactly that.

But then things began to change. In Justice LeagueLuthor started becoming increasingly less reputable. He started strapping on green armor and blasting Superman with Kryptonite rays. Things followed a similar turn in comics. It started with Jeph Loeb but it ended with Geoff Johns.

Now there's no question that this evolution was in some ways a devolution. After all, Luthor was originally conceived of as a mad scientist/arch-criminal type. But I wasn't sure I liked it. It wasn't the Luthor that I knew.

But as time as passed I've come to think that this is exactly what Luthor should be. Superman and Lex Luthor have to be diametrically opposed. Superman is the ultimate in brawn, Lex Luthor is the ultimate in brains. And it has to be the same on the other side. It didn't really work when Superman was respected by the people of Metropolis... And Lex Luthor was respected by the people of Metropolis.

Lex Luthor has to be hated. He needs that hate as much as the rest of us do. Because it feeds him. It's that "they hate me, but it's really him they should hate! I'll show them, the deluded fools!" that makes Luthor really work for me.

Still, I like that Luthor was once respected. I can imagine that a fall from grace would make a man like him work even harder. Because he's convinced he's right and all the rest of the world is crazy. Or stupid.

And with the things going on in "New Krypton," he might be right...

Thursday Night Thinking LXXI

Ya know what day it is. It's Thursday. That means Thursday Night Thinking.

Watch yourself, Hex. Those womens is trouble. But then, ya don't need me to tell ya...

Secret Six #3

Six great things about Secret Six #3!

1. "Wealthy eccentrics" and "mysterious oddities"!

2. Hammocks!

3. The nutritional stylings of Bane!

4. Jeannette?

5. Scandal reads Latin.

6. "Damn twelve-step-lovin' useless, hippie Mexican wrestler types."

Short Interlude

I think that tonight everyone can agree that something historic happened in the United States of America. Whether you are Republican or Democrat, Marvel or DC, Batman or Superman. You can't deny that something unprecedented has occurred. So I think that for tonight we should all take a moment and reflect on the meaning of democracy and liberty.

Lord knows my country isn't perfect. But I think tonight we did something right.

48 Hours

Oh look, it's the preview for Secret Six #3. In case you haven't guess, this is the book that is now my complete and total favorite comic. And since it comes out on Wednesday, that means I will be very happy that day.

Not only will I know who the next president is, but I'll also know who the sixth member of the Six is. The funny thing? I'm not sure which of those two I'm looking forward to most.

Forty-eight hours... Too long to wait...

Idle Speculation

So I was rereading the first two issues of Secret Six today. (I love you Gail!) And I got to thinking about this mysterious "Junior" character. He's a pretty nasty villain, that much is clear. But as I looked at the few gorgeous glimpses of him we get (love you too, Nicola!) I began to think that maybe he had a connection to another character in the book...

We all know Gail likes to do that sort of thing. We've all seen it before. So consider the following:

Junior lives in a box. Somehow he's able to squeeze himself into a little tiny space.

Junior's limbs are all wobbly. Poor Junior doesn't seem to be able to hold himself together well, and his joints bend every which way.

Junior's name is Junior. If you're a junior, there's gotta be a senior, right?

So my guess is this: the mysterious "Junior" is actually the brother of Ragdoll. I'm no sure exactly, but I believe that at one point it was mentioned that Ragdoll had a brother -- one who had inherited their father's gift of triple-jointedness (I'll have to dig out Villains United and the Secret Six mini to confirm that, though).

Now, Junior may not be a literal junior, as both the original Rag Doll and the one we all know so well are named "Peter Merkel." That makes our Rag Doll the literal junior. But perhaps "Junior" calls himself that because he feels he is the true heir to the Rag Doll legacy.

Whatever it may be, this is all idle speculation. But I like to get my crazy guess out there so I can say "I told you so" on the off chance I'm right...